Last night I read a quote and at first it struck me as very clever. But then it hit me on a deeper level. The Quote is from William Goldman's "The Princess Bride" and it reads "Inigo was in despair. Hard to find on the map".
If you have ever had the pleasure of reading this book then you will know it is a piece of literary genius but this sentence and a half really got me thinking. Although many that struggle with mental health, myself included, aren't necessarily in despair all of the time the emotions can seem more of a place. That emotion becomes an environment that can consume you.
Even when we manage to find the places such as peace and joy on the map it is hard to fully escape your mind. It may be locked away in a cupboard somewhere or hiding in the shadows but even though it is out of sight it isn't always out of mind.
Before Christmas I had bit of a wobbly and the bogey man came out of the cupboard and gave me a big ol' cuddle. Immediately I went to my escape routes- books and my bath. However, the more I read the more it made me think. This wasn't helping. Slowly I was slipping closer and closer to rock bottom and instead of trying to tackle it I read for longer, soaked in a hotter bath with more bubbles and blamed it on things going on in my life. All while still thinking more about things on a deeper level. Then, my luck changed. I received more and more good news but yet was still so engulfed by this escaped bogey man. I could no longer blame how I felt on things in my life and I had to face the music and admit that maybe the things I relied on to help were not helping and I needed to do something more seriously about my mental health.
For so long I have relied on others and blamed so many things as to why I feel the way I do and I guess that has been my biggest down fall. It is true what they say: you're your own worst enemy. Then, sat in my extra hot, extra bubbly bath last night I read this quote and I realised- the only person who can get me from despair to joy is me. I can't expect anyone to make the journey for me.
Now don't get me wrong, this sudden epiphany isn't a fix to everything. Seeing this long journey ahead of me and knowing it is one I have to battle on my own is a daunting task. Any journey you haven't done for the first time is scary. But with that being said I am also excited. I'm excited to no longer have to worry about when the bogey man will come out to cuddle me.
So, here I go. Just me, myself and I setting off for destination Joy!
Ta ta for now guys,
Em xoxo