For as long as I can remember I have been someone who set goals for themselves and then strove as hard as I could to fulfill them. Fortunately I have always had an incredible support network to help me achieve these goals and encourage me to shoot for the stars. However, somewhere along the way of striving for my goals I began to be overwhelmingly unhappy. I set myself one very specific goal, became obsessed with achieving it and convinced myself it was not okay to change my mind on what I wanted out of life. Achieving my degree was the goal that took over my life.
When I was younger I had my Grandma and Grandad as my inspiration and motivation. For a while I did not see the point in going to university. However, when I got to college I fell back in love with learning/ education and found my passion in ancient history. This subject is something that also interested both of my grandparents and through conversations with them I became more and more inspired to go to university and peruse this passion even more. Not only this but I wanted to go to the university where they met and fell in love. No matter how stressed I was getting with upcoming tests or deadlines they supported me in any way they could. this ranged from simply making me a cup of tea or proofreading essays for me, even testing me repeatedly on dates, statues, quotes. You name it, they did it. The work ethic I have is something they instilled in me.
Despite all of this, for a spell of time I went through a period that I can only describe as being like asleep. In being tired and stressed I lost sight of my smaller goals. I no longer had the support I was used to and I struggled to remind myself of why I was working so hard to reach the goals I had set. Eventually I came down with a bump and a sudden realisation that the outcome I was striving for was causing stress which was causing my motivation to decrease. It was all one vicious circle and I needed to not only address it but remind myself that it is okay to re-evaluate. I needed to get back to happiness ASAP and believe that I could actually be happy again.
It wasn't a quick snap decision, I had to think about it a lot. Although I did not have my original support network I was fortunate enough to find another. Due to this network I had and life just generally progressing, as it does, my plans for life had changed therefore my goals did too. Now they are less academic and more family orientated. I have my partner and his son to think about.
I had wanted to go to into teaching for the longest time once I graduated. I was so sure that this is what I was going to do. Third year then hit and this is when the cycle began and my passion was dimmed slightly. So, I decided for me, my mental state and those around me a gap year was the best option for me once I graduated. During this year I realised that not only did the route to peruse teaching not fit into the life I wanted for myself but I was also incredibly good at other things outside of academia. But I was embarrassed to admit that I no longer wanted my original goal and felt like I would be letting people down and all the hard work would have been for nothing. Not only this but because it was only a gap year I grabbed the first job I could. Waitressing. The purpose of the year out was for me to experience a world away from academia and allow myself to rid my life of some stress. However, it brought a different kind of stress and unhappiness with it. I needed to do something about my happiness level. The job and the lifestyle that came with it made me completely miserable and to top it off, I felt like I had wasted my time as my degree was now redundant.
I know I am not the only one to feel like this, especially coming out of the academic world. At 22 I expected to be going straight into a graduate job the day after getting my degree. Instead I came into the "real world" stumbling like Bambi on ice. Now I am a supervisor in a department store. It is not my original plan but it is my new goal, I love the creativity that comes with my job and the sense of achievement I've gained from my success so far. Not only that but I have found a job that allows me to have time at home too. The best of both worlds, really.
I was forced to er-evaluate my life, my goals and what was going to make me happy. I believed I could be happy and fulfilled again and now I am. My passion for ancient history is completely rejuvenated also- I just don't have a career in it. The career I do have is challenging and enjoyable and something I can see myself progressing in. Finally, I have all the right people in my little bubble.
It is a powerful feeling when you realise just how in control of your world and how you want it to look. I simplified my world and now I am so much happier to be in it. Instead of focusing on my plans changing and punishing myself for it I now focus on everything I have, what I have achieved so far and everything that I am in the process of achieving.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions!
TaTa for now,
Em xo