When I was younger I was very fortunate to spend majority of my time with my grandparents. In particular, when I was younger (before I read good books and became interesting) my grandma. As I grew up their house became not only my home but my safe place and this was mostly down to my grandma and how she looked after everyone that passed under the roof
She was a woman that nobody in the family disobeyed. Not because we feared her but rather we feared disappointing her in anyway. She was everyone’s go to for advice and had the magic touch for any kind of pain. In short, she always knew what to say or do.
She passed away when I was 17 and when I lost her my world crumbled. At the age of 20 I then lost my Grandad, but that is a story for another day. The year that has followed has been a very difficult one in terms of grieving and I am only just realising now that I probably did not handle my grief correctly. I have focused on the void that has been left and pondered it too deeply until I have been inconsolable instead of remembering the happy memories and reminding myself how proud they would be of me. Because of my mission to try and change my outlook on my grief I have decided to reflect on the amazing woman that was my grandma and although I still miss her deeply I want to be able to smile when I think of her instead of cry.
Following her death it took me a while to be able to find my feet again. Google quickly became my best friend for the simplest of things- how do I get a stain out of a white top? How would I go about cooking a certain item? Can I super glue this? How would I fix that? But I still had my Grandad to focus on.
She symbolised stability. When I came home from school I would drop my bag and take my shoes off behind the sofa, run upstairs to go to the bathroom, come down, go to the biscuit cupboard, get enough for both of us and then sit at the kitchen table with her and we would talk about our days. If I had had a spectacularly shit day I would stay sat at the table while she cooked tea, always listening and offering advice when it was needed. I remember once she had visitors over and as I kicked off my shoes I heard her say “She just needs to go to the loo and then she will be down to say hi”. She respected whatever all of us felt like we needed to do.
Now that I live in my own home there are certain things that she gifted me or cherished. However, my favourites have to be my patch work blankets. They’re magical. Anyone who has ever gotten under one has felt the warmth they give, part of me has always liked to think they were like a hug from her when she could not give me one. When my cousins went to university they each got a blanket made specifically for the occasion and one day she was bored so my day came early. She made it in one of my favourite colours and I love. A second I have, that lives on the back of my sofa for the chilly winter nights, is purple. It was the one that lived on my bed and it just so happens to be both of our favourite colour the third I have is an extra special one. It is a cot blanket. The idea that I can have something to link my babies and my grandma warms my heart.
I credit my love of learning and reading to both of my grandparents. Whenever I think of the places I visited as a child, I think of them fondly. The amount of museums and zoos and petting zoos they took my cousins and I too is something I am truly grateful for.
In fact, I credit the woman I am turning into today solely down to my grandma.
My grandma was the head of the family and my Grandad was okay with this. While my grandma kept her home (and all of us) in order my Grandad was quite happy to enjoy his book and snooze the afternoon away. This was something I feel has impacted me not only as a person but as a woman.
In the process of getting back on my feet I met my partner. His mum, much like my grandma, is the matriarch of the family and I have naturally gravitated towards her. I am honestly so grateful to be able to have her in my life. She offers a warm embrace and comfort much like I had while growing up. I now no longer rely on google a lot less (this is now reserved for questions that I am too embarrassed to ask- how do I poach an egg?).
Both my grandma and my mother in law have taught me a number of things that comes from having a matriarch. They’re the perfect person to pick you up, brush you off and give you a nudge back on your way. No matter how old you may be. A matriarch is a powerful person, they know more than they let on and are go to for everyone in their family no matter what they may need. They love with a firm hand and have this amazing ability to calm the craziest of storms.
Although I realise I am very much a hot mess at the moment having had these women in my life inspires me to keep on striving to be that kind of soul. I want to be as calm and level headed.
Ta ta for now,
Em xoxo